Arbit muck...

The disturbance of all that's secure, that's familiar.
That's what we are always fighting against.
We fight against change...yet it always finds a way of creeping back into our lives.
Still, when everything is in place, is perfectly in order, life dulls.
We find some way to bring everything crashing down.
Broken shards of memories long forgotten,
dragged out only to be smashed if only just to make some noise.
Dull shards, once alive, reflecting all the dancing lights of life, loose brilliance.

One lesson I learnt early in life was that it wasn't possible to envy or grudge anyone their lives. Theres always some part of it that's rotten and corroded. There's always some part of their personality that's rotten as well. I don't claim to be perfect that I'm passing judgement on the rest of humanity. Infact, I'm so far from perfect it gives me sleepless nights. Not that I'm complaining. I know that all that I am, I am because I made myself that way. Nobody's responsible, nobody's to blame. Makes things worse actually... I don't mind. I don't believe in feeling good by disillusioning myself. I'm not miserable either. Just aware of my limitations I guess. After all, man's biggest weakness is his self pity. Thinking about all the things that could have been his/hers, that was rightfully his/hers, that was taken away from him/her, eventually destroys him...

The reason I'm talking about all this is because off late, a lot of very big changes have taken place in my life and I feel dazed and confused. I tried to fill the gap with love but nothing worked out. All the better for me actually. I'm not in the right frame of mind to make anything work. I have inspired love but that is beginning to tire both the person in question and me. How does one tell someone that no matter how much they change themselves, they will not inspire love in the person they love. I used to treasure that naive belief for quite a while. It is so difficult to be rejected. I subconsciously couldn't believe I wasn't 'right' for the person I cared about. All I had to do was to be patient, to stay in their thoughts, to wait, to be eternally understanding. Or so I thought... Eventually, slowly, painfully I realised...I wasn't loved. Way to burst a very cherished bubble! I have learnt that care without occasion can get to be very annoying for the person on the receiving end. I know from personal experience that it becomes very frustrating and embaressing to explain time and again, that the sentiment isn't returned until a point when one just gives up altogether...

Someone read my palm once and told me I was fickle and that I would ditch my country and go make pot loads of money abroad. Saying that to a capitalist is cool, but to me it was a very big insult. Especially since I'm gearing up to practically live in poverty for the rest of my life (I want to work in an ngo. I'm not going to be poor but you can understand how I don't expect to make any money don't you?). I've started by working on my adipose tissue. All I do at the moment is stay at home, eat and sleep. It's sort of my hibernation period. Soon I'll be a raging grizzly bear, wiping out all the obstacles in my path with one swipe of my paw. Or so I hope...

Anyway, thats about all I feel like writing about today. This blog hasn't been created to display my literary prowess. It's more like a journal. I hope my friends will read it when I leave this city so they always know 'what's up' in my life... :o) I'm not justifying the lack of blockbuster content...well...actually I am :oP...damn! What other people think does matter :o(